ARRRRRGH! ANOTHER DAY OF FALSE LABOUR! I can’t believe it. Seriously, my body is like some weird engine that just can’t quite gets the gears to all work at the same time. Who knew nature could be so haphazard..
In the movies, it’s all so simple. The lady gets pregnant, spends 9 months shopping, looking fahbulous and feeling like an earth mother. With lots of crying thrown in, and crazy mood swings. Then, magically, at 9 months, her waters break in some crazy and exciting way or situation, and she hails a sexy cab driver or partner to whisk her to the hospital, usually in the middle of the day, where she gets on with having a baby as soon as she gets to hospital.
Can I have a Family Fortunes UUUuu-urrrrRRR please?
Real pregnany is a bit different. You get pregnant after trying for a bit longer than you thought. Or at least, often it’s not instant. You spend 9 months worrying if you’re doing it all right, and attempting to look vaguely pregnant and not just fat for the first 7 months, and then look vaguely human and not just blimp like 7 months on. You get hormonal but in ways you didn’t expect, and then by month 9 you figure you’re nearly there.
Only, you’re not. You get all the signs – the shows, the cervical plugs dropping out (I’ve lost about 2 now! Yes, they grow back.. They don’t tell you that in the movies) and you think, ooo, here we go. Another couple of weeks pass, nothing. At 39 weeks you’ll probably start to get a false labour or two. I’ve had four now, but then I am 41.5 weeks now so I suppose I get to have more of a crack at it than most.
My first false labour was for 2 hours, at 38 weeks. I had painful cramps 10 minutes apart for 2 hours. They vanished into thin air. At 40 weeks I spent the whole of the Sunday having painless Braxton Hicks every 20 minutes for TEN HOURS. They vanished to nothing. On Wednesday this week just gone (41 weeks) I was up every hour from 1am to 5am with teeth clenching pain. They vanished to nothing.
Today, I woke at 6am to mild pains, AND contractions. Ooo, I thought, this is different again. How interesting. They got closer – from every 25 mins, to 20 mins, to 15 mins. I get up, have breakfast, they vanished by 10am. Returned by midday to the point of having the TENS machine on. And have found no pattern since.
Why no big WHOOSH of waters, followed by some hilarious incident involving John Travolta? Why the weeks of am-I-aren’t-I? ARGH!
I give up. I really do. Roll on Induction Day Tuesday!!!




